Our National Christmas Tree Lighting Calamity

We won the lottery this year - the lottery for tickets to attend the 2011 National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony in D.C. Participating in the nationally televised celebration led by President Obama and his family was supposed to be a memorable experience my family would cherish for years to come. It was memorable alright, but for all the wrong reasons.

After dealing with the dual problems of a full parking garage and empty Metro cards, my wife and I collapsed into our seats for the ride into the city. However, excited by their first ride on the subway, my boys were crawling around the seats like ants on candy crumbs.

It was only a short walk from the Farragut West stop to the Ellipse, the oval-shaped park just south of the White House, and the lengthy security lines we'd heard about weren't bad at all - but maybe that was because we arrived a full 90 minutes early. We passed through the metal detectors with nary a beep and found a dry spot on the lawn near some carolers.

Our tickets were standing room only, which meant we were far enough away from the action that we couldn't read the closed captioning on the "big" screens. Closed captioning would've been nice because I swear I've heard louder speakers in college dormitories. But I'm getting ahead of myself; we nearly left before the show even started.

The standing room within the snow fencing wasn't too bad, but my boys don't react well to being penned in. As the flag atop the White House fluttered in the distance, my boys dodged adult legs like traffic pylons and spun themselves dizzy in the warm sunshine. The boys' behavior deteriorated quickly, and no amount of threats on behalf of Santa Claus slowed them down. With the Washington Monument and the cops' mobile observation tower looming above us, my exasperated wife suggested we leave. Giving up and packing it in is normally my overreaction to unbearable public fiascoes, so I was quite pleased to play the calm and reasonable parent as I backed her off the ledge. (I seem to remember cheerleaders with pom-poms showing up out of nowhere and chanting my name.)

As dusk set in, the marble monument glowed orange and pink against the fading, cloudless blue sky. A circling helicopter nearly drowned out the seasonal songs of the carolers, but my boys were too busy fighting over iPhone games to notice. Although I couldn't hear the music and could barely see the screens, I assume the band was good. But the thing that caught the standing crowd's attention was the roar of the police motorcycles leading the Presidential motorcade of black SUVs. Smartphones and cameras were thrust into the air in unison with the hope of capturing an image of Mr. Obama's arrival.

As the gathered guests awaited the beginning of the program, my boys wrestled on the ground. I must say they created a nice perimeter for us, as no one wanted to stand too near. My two young heathens threw handfuls of grass at each other during the national prayer. As everyone reverently bowed their heads, my kids were giggling and rough-housing at their feet.

My wife and I boosted the boys onto our shoulders for a better view of the distant entertainment. Honestly, unless you were seven-foot tall with super vision you couldn't see much from where we stood. However, when the President was introduced the crowd showed respect and grew quiet enough for everyone to hear his address. The silenced crowd permitted a hushed chuckle when my four-year-old repeatedly screamed out, "I love you Obama! I love you!"

After the President and his family threw the switch on the big tree's lights, we threw out any plans of staying for Kermit the Frog or will.I.am's appearances and made an early exit. As we headed toward Potbelly for some sandwiches and a public restroom, my boys asked every cop about their gun. Our first National Christmas Tree lighting ceremony will be remembered forever, but maybe not for the reasons we had first hoped.

Find Your Christmas Tree at Buttonwood Farm

Buttonwood Farm is the best cut your own Christmas tree farm in Northern Virginia.

It seems like only yesterday we were carving jack-o-lanterns and doling out cavities to costumed children, but twinkling lights and glittering snowflake ornaments have replaced glowing skulls and illuminated ghosts. With the Thanksgiving leftovers eaten or shared with the birds and squirrels, my family has moved onto Christmas preparations. Today we retired the Indian corn, twisted gourds, and other fall decor, and erected a six-foot Norway spruce in our living room.

Yes, a spruce - not our normal choice of a Scotch pine. Unfortunately, our preferred Christmas tree farm is being swallowed up by urban sprawl, so we headed a few miles further west to find a truly rural experience. A quick search on a local pick your own Christmas tree Web site revealed numerous alternatives for us in Northern Virginia. While my wife was drawn to the impressive environmental record of Buttonwood Farm, I was more enticed by the expansive view of the Blue Ridge Mountains from the Christmas tree field. Also, Buttonwood's location just north and west of Middleburg is easily reached from the D.C. suburbs along Route 50, which is good for families like mine with young children in tow.

Shortly after escaping the frustrating blockade of traffic lights in eastern Loudoun County, Route 50 becomes a two-lane highway. It can be very busy at times, but we were fortunate to ride the rolling hills soaked in Civil War history west without being rushed.

Unlike many of the agri-entertainment farms in Northern Virginia, Buttonwood Farm is unassuming and quaint. If you're looking for a holiday carnival atmosphere, keep looking because you won't find it at Buttonwood. Instead of bearded teenagers in orange parking vests, we were greeted by four curious dogs. Blocking the lane were two old Labs, a pregnant hound, and an exuberant Setter-mix puppy. I brought the man-van to a complete stop to allow the fearless foursome time to investigate the noisy intrusion to their peaceful home on the hill.

Since our arrival coincided with the farm's opening, we were the only family there. The farm's owners, Tad and Cathy Zimmerman, waved warmly as I parked the man-van near their wooded shelter. The pack of friendly dogs jumped and licked at my boys as we crossed the lane. Having dragged Christmas trees across vast muddy parking lots in the past, I appreciated the opportunity to park close.

A chimney pumped out puffs of sweet white smoke from a wood stove made from an old black barrel. Atop the barrel was a bubbling pot of freshly mulled apple cider. Two picnic tables were draped with traditional white and red checked tablecloths. Cathy told us the Norway spruces were ready to harvest, so I grabbed a measuring pole and a super sharp bow saw, and my family made its way to the stand of conifers across the field.

A half-dozen vultures soared above our heads as we and the dogs tramped across the field with the rising Blue Ridge looming in the distance. Cathy had told me that they were able to stop a neighbor from allowing a developer to build over 125 houses on the hill across the valley. Instead, the property was placed in an easement and only one log cabin was built. She bragged that there was only one paved road between her farm and the mountain, which impressed me.

Unlike our past experiences searching for Christmas trees, we really only had one species from which to choose, but the trees were all healthy and beautiful. After a short survey, the boys quickly settled on one for me to cut down. Due to the unseasonably warm high-60s temps, I didn't bother dragging a blanket out to kneel upon. I accepted the wet knees, lifted some branches, and brought the spruce down in a few minutes. Buttonwood's sharp saw blade made quick work of the often stubborn trunk.

The distance to the shelter and processing area was short. My boys were eating chocolate bells, gingersnap cookies, and candy canes by the stove before Tad had even shaken our tree. Once the excess needles and grass had been vibrated away, he clamped the trunk and the engine pulled our tree through the baler. I placed the tree against the fence and joined my family for snacks, cider, and a heart-warming conversation with Cathy.

Our visit felt more like spending time with family than a commercial venture to buy a tree. It was refreshing. Sensing my boys were growing restless with my deliberate knot tying as I carefully tied the tree to roof of the van, Tad informed me their pond was stocked with bass, channel catfish, bluegill, and large Koi. Unfortunately, it was lunchtime and we had to go. But I would have loved to spend a few more hours lounging on the farm with the Zimmerman's and their dogs.

If you live in Northern Virginia and you want to cut your own Christmas tree in a rural, family-friendly setting, Buttonwood Farm is an excellent choice. Not to mention the fantastic lunch awaiting you afterward in Middleburg at Fox's Den Tavern.

Buttonwood Farm is open weekends 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. between Thanksgiving and Christmas and weekdays by appointment.

Beach Lovers Embrace Bike Sharing

If you follow this space, you know I'm a big fan of bike sharing programs. An old friend just emailed me from South Beach, Florida, where he stumbled across the City of Miami Beach's Decobikes. I'm sure he won't mind if I share his enthusiasm for their rental bikes.

"We are in South Beach, and they have the bike rentals like B-Cycle in Denver that you wrote about. This is freakin' awesome! We just cruise around, hit the beach, stop and get some beers at a sidewalk cafe, and do it all over again. They have a pretty sweet app for my phone, too."

That might be the most convincing testimonial for trying a bikeshare program that I've ever read. Thanks for sharing, Dirt-E Steve!

Decobike has an informative site. Check out the video. (The model is not a fat white guy in a floral print and flip-flops.)

La Tasca Does Vegetarian Tapas Right

The American Dietetic Association is celebrating National Nutrition Month in March. The theme for 2011 is Eating Right With Color.

I recently published some suggestions to chefs on ways to provide more interesting vegetarian options on their menus. Although I don't claim to be a vegetarian, I am eating far less meat as part of a new low-cholesterol diet. My wife went vegetarian over a decade ago, and meals out are a lot more satisfying for both of us when she's able to eat more than just pasta, salad, and side dishes.

On Saturday night my wife and I hit the the streets of Arlington, Va., in search of a good meal. A Moroccan joint looked promising, but the lighting was too bright. The Thai place was empty and we were already familiar with the Indian restaurant. Then we stumbled across La Tasca, a local franchise that serves a sprawling menu of Spanish tapas (small plates of food to share). There are more options for meat eaters than vegetarians, but the menu does include a section dedicated to vegetarian dishes, and it didn't disappoint.

Our first experience with La Tasca in Alexandria, Va., was just average. The food was tasty, but sharing food between a vegetarian and a meat eater didn't work. In contrast, our affair in Arlington was fun and flavorful. We started with rustic bread and three olive oils for dipping. Then came the battered and fried eggplant slices and the delectable Cabrales cheese sauce.

We hadn't finished our appetizers when the multiple plates of tapas arrived. Everyone has had onion rings, but our plate of onion and red and green pepper rocked. The breading was light, flaky, and oh, so tasty.

If you like homefries, La Tasca's version is complemented by both a mild hot sauce and a garlic aioli. Crispy taters, spicy, creamy dips - how can you go wrong?

The wild mushrooms were fantastic. I've really grown to become a fanatic of funky fungi. The shrooms were nice and firm and the olive oil didn't drown out the earthy flavors.

I wasn't blown away by the paella, but my date loved it. Both of us were impressed by the spinach and pine nut croquettes. The balls were crispy on the outside and creamy and wonderful on the inside. Imagine a savory piece of Lindt chocolate. If you were driving, you'd have to pull over to enjoy the taste rush.

Our meal climaxed with a plate of Canelones de Berenjenas, one of the best vegetarian creations I've ever sampled. The La Tasca menu description says, "Eggplant rolls stuffed with herb-roasted roma tomatoes, grilled, sweet piquillo peppers, and a mild goat cheese." That just doesn't capture the volume of saliva generated by the scent and flavor of these magical rolls. Presented on the plate, they looked like they needed a drizzle of some sauce, but after a bite it was obvious that the flavors had their own legs. (Seriously one of the best things I've ever eaten.) We spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how La Tasca softened the eggplant to make it roll without being soggy, and still couldn't solve the mystery of this masterpiece menu item. Eggplants are pretty easy and fun to grow, so we'll be trying this ourselves this summer.

So if you're in the D.C. or Baltimore area, look for La Tasca for an awesome menu of Spanish tapas. Their selection of sangria is on full display in big vats and wine lovers will not be disappointed by the depth of the list. For me, the bottle of Alhambra Negro was the perfect beer to keep my taste buds moist.

Enjoy.
I'd love to hear your comments and suggestions on eating vegetarian.

Super Glue Saves the Universe

Thanks to a bottle of Loctite Super Glue Ultra Gel by Henkel, a handful of broken Marvel heroes and villains will live to fight another day.

Over the past year, Venom and Red Skull lost their heads, Gambit was severed at the waist, Doctor Doom lost an arm, and the Spider-Man bubble wand snapped at his wrist. Since their repair, the action figures have withstood ferocious fighting and brutal battles at the hands of my young sons. The glue is holding up well.

It's been a long time since I purchased Super Glue. I remember the liquid adhesive running all over the place, bonding things together for eternity. Those days are over. The Loctite gel is more viscous, and the side-squeeze bottle allowed me to apply just the right amount of glue. It was nice to finish a repair project with my digits free and loose instead of stuck together like mutant penguin flippers.

March is National Nutrition Month

In recognition of National Nutrition Month, I’d like to share some quick thoughts on eating healthy, low-fat meals, and staying fit. My wife, Angie, recently compiled this information for a family member, and I thought it was worth sharing. She’s been a vegetarian for over a decade, and, lately, I find myself eating less and less meat. Although I feel better when I don’t eat meat, I still love a juicy burger, a tender chicken breast, or a medium-rare steak. So without sounding preachy, here are some dietary and lifestyle choices that are working for us.

Size Matters

Pay attention to portion sizes. What does an average portion looks like? See what you’re eating by clicking here. Click on the food and it will show you a visual for one serving size. Cheese is the size of a die? NOOOOOOO! (It’s true.) When eating out, try splitting an entré with someone. Most restaurants serve way more food than you need.

Count Calories

Paying attention to portion sizes and your daily calorie intake becomes second nature once you start. If you decide to go big at breakfast, be sure to eat a light lunch and a reasonable dinner. You can’t go big at every meal. To see what it really takes to burn off calories, hop on a treadmill or a stationary bike. Even if you hate exercising in a gym, the experience will make you think twice about snacking on chips, candy, and soda.

Your body can only burn so many calories. Be aware of what you ingest. Here is a free calorie counter. Not only does this site track total calories, but the analysis section tells you your stats for the day: fat, carbs, Vitamin A, iron, etc. This site is pretty helpful.

What to Eat?

Avoid processed foods. If it’s easy, it’s probably not healthy. Don’t eat ingredients you can’t pronounce.

Spice it Up

Eat more grains, more veggies, and less cheese. Make average meals great by incorporating herbs and spices. We’ve been using lots of ginger and light coconut milk. When a recipe calls for water, we use homemade vegetable broth, which we make by boiling down vegetable scraps. (Avoid including asparagus stems, broccoli, and potato peels in your stock. Everything else is fair game – including apples and pears!)

Healthier Ingredients

When cooking, try including skim milk, low-fat sour cream, and low fat cheese. Try Cabot cheese. Their low-fat cheddar tastes almost as rich as the real thing.

Start with Soup

A great place to start is soup. Choose broth or tomato-based soups instead of cream. A big pot of soup can be portioned out and eaten all week long. Find some good soup recipes. Trust me; there are more soups out there than just chicken noodle, tomato, and clam chowder. Once again, try using your own stock. Spice it up with veggie tortilla soup. Try some new flavors and make a pot of curried butternut squash soup. If veggie chili sounds like bean soup to you, add ground turkey instead of beef.

Where’s the Beef?

A veggie stir-fry can be very filling. Who needs meat when the wok is overflowing with cauliflower, broccoli, potatoes, green beans, peas, onions, mushrooms, peppers, corn, zucchini, summer squash, and carrots? Add more flavor by using dried spices, or try a jar of stir-fry sauce. (Avoid sauces with high-fructose corn syrup) Try brown rice instead of white.

Ethnic Foods

After living on the East Coast for more than a decade, Angie and I have been exposed to foods from every corner of the globe. Grow your menu by expanding your menu beyond meat, potatoes, and casseroles. If you love Italian food, choose pasta primavera instead of a cream sauce. You can’t go wrong with veggies, olive oil, and a little Parmesan sprinkled on top. Try wheat pasta.

Most Indian and Thai dishes are healthy, and you can’t beat the aromas and flavors.

I picked up an amazing recipe for a Latin bean dish from a former coworker in Queens. It tastes great in a tortilla or in a taco salad. Contact me if you’re interested. It’s not just beans and rice. Also, cut out the cheese and sour cream from time to time and add guacamole instead. My guacamole recipe includes avocados, minced onions, garlic, paprika, cumin, diced tomatoes, cilantro, salt, red pepper flakes, and apple cider vinegar.

We Eat a Lot of Pizza (Pita Pizzas)

Pita Pizzas taste better than most chain pizzas. Simply spread pizza sauce on a whole wheat pita, add toppings, cheese, a drizzle of olive oil, and bake at 410 F for about 15 minutes. We like green/red peppers, onions, garlic, mushrooms, feta cheese, mozzarella, spinach, and grape tomatoes.

What's in Our Cupboards and Fridge?

Low-fat tortilla chips and salsa instead of chips and dip
Veggies and hummus dip
Happy Cow cheese - spread on crackers, it melts in your mouth.
Fruits such as apples, pears, pineapple, tangerines, and bananas
Cereal
Pretzels
Homemade bread
Pitas and tortillas
Breakfast bars or granola (make sure they are under 150 calories each)
Pistachios and almonds
Izze sparkling juice instead of soda

Meat is OK! Choose Wisely

When buying meat, choose organic, antibiotic-free beef and free-range chicken. It may cost slightly more, but you can taste the difference.

Change the Culture

If your family and coworkers enjoy celebrating everything with cakes and pies, insist yogurt or fruit is provided. You’ll be surprised by how many people forgo the sweets for the healthier options.

Simple Ways to Stay Fit

Skip the elevator and take the stairs.
Park far away and walk.
Take a walk at lunch.

A Note for Chefs

Try offering a vegetarian option other than steamed vegetables over rice or pasta. Salads and raw vegetables just don’t cut it anymore. As a cooking enthusiast, I find making quality vegetarian dishes challenging and fulfilling. There are literally thousands of recipes out there for amazing vegetarian dishes. Why alienate part of your customer base? Experiment with some new menu options and you’ll probably grow your clientele. Vegetarians are very vocal, and word spreads quickly about restaurants that cater to their dietary choices.

Educate Yourself

More information about National Nutrition Month and all things related to food and nutrition can be found on the American Dietetic Association's website.

A Taste of the Mediterranean in West Virginia

We didn't know what we'd find on a recent day trip to historic Charles town, WV, but we definitely didn't expect to discover delicious Mediterranean cuisine.

Unassuming and easy to miss, The Mediterranean Cafe offers one of the more unique menus you'll ever see. The cozy restaurant on Washington Street features food from countries around the region including Greece, Italy, Spain, France, Lebanon, and Morocco. For fans of fresh tomato salads swimming in olive oil, feta cheese, and pine nuts, this is the place for you.

The list of appetizers and salads was deep and varied. But I may have skipped them had I known how generous the complimentary plate of feta, hummus, pita, and salads would be.

The service was warm and inviting. Would you expect any less from the owner? He certainly made us feel welcome, and he even told us where he purchases their pita bread. Hint: not in West Virginia.

I chose a simple vegetable kabob for my entree. Perfectly grilled tomatoes, red onions, green peppers, and zucchini were wrapped in a massive pita. The wrap was served with a side of mast o khiar, which is yogurt sauce flavored with mint. Mint isn't my favorite herb, but the sauce was a nice break from dill and cucumber based tzatziki.

I'm not sure what type of tea they brewed, but my iced-tea definitely wasn't Lipton. It was more aromatic than black tea. It was yet another nice surprise.

The Case of the Murdered Muppet

Elmo's voice grates on my ears like nails on a chalkboard, but I never wanted to see the mangy Muppet melted and mutilated.
Apparently Sesame Street has seen sunnier days.

Mmmmmm.....Crow

Months before Christmas, my wife had been talking about buying a bread maker. I was totally against the idea. Our shelves and cupboards are already littered with unused novelty appliances.

There's the pasta maker that has never seen a ball of dough. We have Pampered Chef gadgets tucked away in all corners of the kitchen. On most days our counter top is cluttered with a Foreman Grill, a toaster, a coffee machine, a bowl or two of tangerines and bananas, and a few glass jars full of pasta, flour, and sugar. Oh, and a bowl of bottle caps. So adding a gigantic bread maker seemed like a bad idea to me. I prefer a minimalist kitchen. Give me a sharp blade, a cutting board, a pot and a pan, and I'll cook you a meal you'll remember.

We received the bread maker as a hand-me-down. It had been used once. Just once. To me, that meant the thing would be a waste of time and space. But it was free, so whatever, I decided to give it a chance. If it had to be left on the curb, no hard feelings.

One Friday night Ang decided to bake a loaf. The accompanying booklet is full of recipes for all types of bread. But anyone who has worked in a kitchen before is skeptical of these types of recipes. True recipes don't need a fancy novelty oven to turn out right. Mix the ingredients, toss them in a pan, load the oven, and wait. So, obviously, I wasn't overly optimistic about the whole process. With more than a dash of indignance I even proposed to challenge her loaf with one baked the old-fashioned way. I just didn't think the thing would work.

She mixed up her ingredients and dumped then in the Hitachi. Immediately the machine started banging and bumping as it kneaded the dough. We were trying to watch a film, so I was both amused and irritated. I thought the annoying sound was the sound of future failure and some sort of affirmation of my distrust of the bread maker.

About halfway through the film, I noticed the machine had long gone silent, and my nose picked up an amazing aroma emanating from the kitchen. Our house smelled like a freaking bakery. OK, sure, it smelled like bread, but surely the loaf would be malformed and inedible, right?

Ang pulled the vertical bread pan out of the Hitachi by its handle and gave it a little tap. Out of the non-stick pan popped a perfectly formed, steaming loaf of white bread. The fresh aroma, the white steam, the even layer of crispy crust, the spongy goodness inside - simply delectable. I mean the bread was so damned good, I could've given the Hitachi a hug. Instead, I praised my wife. Although, I have to admit, my slice had a distinct flavor of crow.

Since that breakthrough evening Ang has baked a wheat loaf that toasted beautifully and she made New York style bagels. Granted, the Hitachi only mixed and kneaded the bagel dough, but still, the bagels were excellent. The Hitachi has earned its counter top real estate.

On a somewhat related note... Most Americans I know eat pre-sliced loaves of bread purchased from the local super grocery. But when I visited my friends in the village of Kippen in Sterlingshire, Scotland, I learned how to eat freshly baked bread. Leave the heel alone. On a loaf from which you cut your own slices, the heel acts like a lid to keep the freshness in. This wasn't obvious to me when I humbly offered to eat the heel in my cucumber and cheese sandwich. That was one life lesson I'll never forget. These days our homemade loaves stay fresher because of that experience. (Cheers, Jamesy!)

Commitment

Because it takes commitment to ride your scoot-around to the bar in single digit temps and leave your oxygen tank in the basket.

Cruising Around D.C. with Capital Bikeshare

To make up for another year with no hope for a raise, my employer gave us an additional paid day off to celebrate the New Year. Since I had no plans, I decided to tour around Washington D.C. on the new shared bicycle system operated by Capital Bikeshare.

The new system includes over 1,100 bikes parked at 110 docking stations around D.C. and Arlington. I found the system to be very simple to use, and very similar to the Denver B-Cycle network in Denver, CO. (read my post about that ride)

Like Denver B-Cycle, a 24-hour day pass can be purchased for $5. Rides less than 30 minutes are free. So the challenge is to pay attention to the clock and to reach another docking station before your 30 minutes expires and your credit card is charged a small fee. It's actually pretty fun, and I used the free Spotcycle iPhone app to find more bike racks. Once I reached a station I simply pushed the bike into the rack until it clicked and the green light let me know it was safe to walk away. Then I'd slide my credit card in the machine, take my printed code, and punch it into the bike rack to rent a bike for another half-hour.

Capital Bikeshare's docking stations were located near all the must-see sights in D.C., and in places that probably serve commuters and locals. The three-speed bikes are nice and stable and the gears shift easily. I was able to hit cruising speed from a dead stop without standing up to pedal. The seat posts adjust to fit all lengths of legs, too.

During the course of the day, I rode six different bikes and saw D.C. neighborhoods I probably wouldn't have visited on foot. Ironically, I borrowed my first bike at the L'Enfant station, which is directly across the street from the Department of Transportation. Because it was cold and early, the streets were empty and the dirt track around the Mall was my own personal racetrack until the museums opened. I saw a scrap of the Hindenburg in the Smithsonian Castle, saw the outstretched arms of the Titanic Memorial along the Anacostia River Walk, stopped by Nationals Park, saw the Trapeze School of New York's odd bubble building in the old Navy Yards, explored the Eastern Market and Old Capitol neighborhoods, feasted on some killer pizza at Matchbox with my wife, and tore through Chinatown like a kid on his first Christmas bike.

If you're visiting D.C., or just looking to do something fun and different, I highly recommend seeing the city with Capital Bikeshare.

Christmas Stories from the Plains

My kids are criminal masterminds. Seriously, prison gang members would be impressed with their ingenuity.
My nearly two-year-old shanked his older brother in the eye with an oddly sharpened dog bone today.

Apparently, my nearly four-year-old is working toward a career in smuggling. On the way to bed we noticed he was scratching at his bottom. I assumed he just needed to clean up a bit. As we entered the bathroom he said, "Something's in there, Da-Da." I nervously helped him pull his drawers down only to find a foil-wrapped Christmas chocolate resting in the crotch of his X-Men underpants. Santa's shaking jelly-belly was a schoolgirl's giggle compared to our uproarious laughter.

A Noble Goal Indeed

The theme in my son's daycare class this week is occupations. When asked what he wanted to be when he grows up my 3.5-yr-old replied with conviction, "Batman!"

Whew! What a relief to find that I'm raising a future vigilante instead of a criminal. It's hard to tell some days. And since Batman doesn't have any real super powers, the goal to become him is entirely possible. Aspiring to become Superman would simply be a waste of time.

He's a smart kid. Confidence is built by achieving your goals, and he already understands not to set the bar too high. Look out Jokers of the world!

Shhh, Everyone is Sleeping

My living room is boobytrapped. It's late and I'm trying to pick up toys in stealth mode, but Handy Manny's tools are singing and trying to teach me Spanish. Startled, I step on a puzzle piece with a tiny plastic handle and curse the world through clenched teeth and crossed eyes. I reach for the toy that perversely celebrates mining and am greeted by beeps, alarms, and explosions. Light reaches the transportation puzzle and myriad motorcycles and automobiles fill the dead space with tinny sounds of revving engines. The damn duck pool gets stepped on and the mechanical current begins to swirl. The overturned robot beeps for aid like a stranded turtle. Rocket, the vehicle powered by the patted thighs of Little Einsteins - and hordes of toddlers on couches around the world - begs for a mission, even though it's missing a front wheel and any hope of following directions. Bert complains from his sidecar about Ernie's motorcycle driving skills. Chickens, pigs, cows, and horses berate me from the farm. Mary tells me about her little lamb, and the ambulance siren screams as the wheels spin fruitlessly in the air. The toy dog yips a pathetic bark as I step on its ridiculous face. With the lights off, an unholy alliance of Cars movie characters and miniature X-Men ambush my bare feet with admantium claws, clinched, painted fists, and exaggerated rear spoilers. Mission Impossible characters couldn't sneak through this room. Every night the traps have moved, but they're there, waiting....

Oh, Me So Dumb

You can read the title of this post to the tune of 2 Live Crew's classic jam, Me So Horny, or in your best imitation of one of the worst Star Wars characters ever created, Jar Jar Binks.

I'm testing my Google Analytics software. If you read this post, please comment or call me a name. Let me know you're out there.

Old Town Winchester, Virginia

Word, PowerPoint, Excel - I Own You!

I found this gem while looking around my completely unorganized folder of Word docs. To put this in context, my wife and I moved to D.C. from Portland, Maine in 2006, when her marketing company offered her a promotion. We'd never even visited the capital before, but decided to make the move. I temped for a couple months before finding my current gig. The following thoughts were written down after an interview with a staffing company. I'd never heard the word blog back then; I was just angry and wanted to remember how I felt that day.

What I didn't write down at the time was that I ended up at the Tidal Basin during the peak of the Cherry Blossom Festival. So the office temp tests nearly broke my will, but I experienced one of the signature D.C. events by accident - and in my suit, I looked damn good doing it.


I am 30 years old and I suck at Excel. I suck at PowerPoint too. And for the record, I suck at Access. Am I going to let my abysmal test scores define me? Is my entire post-college existence going to be measured by my knowledge of Microsoft Office software? Am I doomed to fail because I haven't become a paper-pushing automaton?

These were the questions I contemplated as I stared at the crumbling grout between the bathroom wall tiles. The faint smell of warm chlorine permeated the air. Damp with perspiration, my heart raced, a vein throbbed in my neck, and I silently muttered a profanity-laden tirade and seethed with frustration.

My registration session with the staffing agency - my first attempt at finding a new job in our new city - had not gone well. I had been humbled by the software tests. My recruiter didn't listen to a word I had said; she'd already read my resume and pigeonholed me in her mind. The glaring fluorescent overhead lights and the tiny, windowless meeting space felt like an interrogation room. A woman erased and replaced figures on a dry-erase board with foul, pungent markers. Occasionally a bell would ring, celebrating a successfully completed task; clapping and muted cheers emanated from the cubicles. I felt claustrophobic, nauseated and out of place. I wanted to run.

Hola, Amigos!

Thanks for checking in on my blog. I've got stories in the upcoming I Am Modern holiday special and their winter edition. I'll let you know when they're available online. You may have heard that I'll be guest blogging on DullesMoms.com during the final week of each month. Set your Outlook calendar! I'm also working on an artist profile at the moment. I'll introduce you to the talented guy playing the piano in the YouTube feed to your right. And, finally, MLB is coming to an end which will leave me bored and restless. Expect more frequent posts soon.
Thanks for your time and comments.
K

Autumn Sunrise

Guest Blogging at DullesMoms This Week

I've got a new story posted on DullesMoms.com this week. Look for And You Thought Curious George Was Naughty.

Thanks for reading and sharing.